Self-Sabotage

I had laser eye surgery today. Which is mad. Quite simply the most surreal experience of my life, I have to sleep in goggles and put in eyedrops that make me look like I'm crying milk for the next week. And you haven;t lived until you;ve seen your corneas being brushed back into place over your eyeball....

Anyhow, it's pretty life changing stuff. Which has got me thinking...

This week I've been eating absolute rubbish and haven;t quite been able to put my finger on it. I knew part of it was probably to do with being nervous and comfort eating, but I'm pretty certain it's mainly some very insecure little person sat in the corner of my brain saying;

"You can lose the glasses, or you can get thin. You can't do both to me."

I've been wearing glasses since I was 11, so thats practically half my lifetime. I've also been overweight for about as long, maybe a bit longer. And while I desperately want to change that, it's also really frightening. I have little to no idea of what this transformed me is going to be like, and that's pretty terrifying.

I got badly bullied from halfway through primary school right up until I started college, and it was nearly always for 'external' things, things that didn't quite seem like a part of me- being overweight, wearing glasses, etc. And I think I found some comfort in that, it didn't feel like I was bullied for who I was the majority of the time, just for the things they perceived as being part of me. I've just lost one of those for good, and I think the insecure little mini-me in my brain is getting scared about what will happen when I strip all the other layers away.

So I know I've eaten rubbish this week. I know I won't have lost weight this week. But just for once I'm going to accept that and give the mini-me a chance to catch up with reality.

Things are changing around here.